By: Kerry Moran

In our previous blog post, we discussed grief more generally. This post will be dedicated to grief in relation to loss of a relationship. Many people assume grief of this type can only come when a partner dies or if we’ve left a relationship because we were broken up with or someone cheated. Often, people forget that even leaving toxic relationships can come with grief. Just because the decision that was made may have been in our best interest and for our safety doesn’t mean we don’t grieve that relationship deeply.

Ending relationships because of cheating or abuse still comes with the same elements of loss we see in other relationships ending. There is a loss of the planned future together, the loss of the life that has been built now, and the loss of the person you thought your partner was or even the person you thought you were. It is not so cut and dry as to say that just because ending a relationship was good for us that we’re going to feel good about it, at least not right away.

When thinking about grief and relationships, there is also often a time limit people expect someone to have. When grieving a death, society also places time limits on “acceptable grief” but they seem more generous than for the end of a relationship. Most people expect us to “get over it” and “move on”, especially if the end of a relationship was brought on by the other party’s infidelity or abuse. We’re lauded for leaving the relationship but not given that time and space to grieve. There is no timeline for grief and there is no right or wrong way to grieve, regardless of what brought about our grief in the first place.

Stages of grief and relationships

The stages of grief that we discussed in the previous post can also be applied to loss of a relationship. The things someone says to themselves or how they experience these stages could look a little different. It is also important to note that, again, just like when dealing with any kind of loss, these stages are not linear. Some people may skip certain stages all together or come back to a stage over and over until they’ve fully processed their grief and the mourning period is over.

Denial

In a relationship, denial can look like a rejection of acknowledging the relationship has truly ended. It can look like “They’ll come back to me once they realize they’ve made a mistake by letting me go” or it can look like “They said they’ll change so maybe they will and we can mend things”.

Anger

This is often seen as blaming someone or something else for the loss of the relationship. Sometimes it comes with not really seeing the part we play in keeping our relationships healthy and sometimes it comes from realizing how poorly treated we were and being angry at ourselves for letting it continue. It can look like “If they had just worked harder, we would still be together” or “This isn’t fair. I didn’t do anything wrong.”

Bargaining

Much like in more traditional grief, bargaining usually looks like making promises to others, the universe, or a deity in order to bring things back to normal. Sometimes it comes from a realization that we’ve had a part to play in the break up and sometimes it’s still tied to denial or anger. It can look like approaching your ex and promising “I’ll stop getting annoyed about the little things and nagging you if you just come back” or promising God that you’ll pray every night again if your ex will come back to you.

Depression

This is the sense of hopelessness as the reality of the end of the relationship hits someone. It’s what we often expect to see when someone experiences a loss. Often we see people experience feelings of not being able to accept that another relationship is possible and they’ll say things like “Who else could love me?” or “I’ll never find someone else, I’m going to be alone forever.”

Acceptance

When someone realizes the true finality of a relationship and that it is actually over, we see that as acceptance. It’s knowing that it’s time to heal and move on from the relationship, knowing that “I’m going to be okay.” Again, just like in cases of a more “traditional loss” like a death, someone can reach acceptance and then go back to another stage. This is not always the final stage. Sometimes it could even be the first and only stage! Grieving and loss are individual.

Dealing with the end of a relationship

It can be hard to lose someone you love, especially when you know it was because of a breakup and not a death. It can feel like things are more open and the hope that things can return to normal with the relationship being repaired could complicate things for some people.

If you or someone you care about is experiencing grief, a great resource is counseling. It can help people work through their feelings, especially when done with a neutral party who is less likely to push for us to feel a certain way or the other. Therapists often know of resources and skills we can use in order to try and heal a little bit faster. Resources in the community are especially important for someone who has left an abusive relationship and therapists can often help people with finding those.
It’s important to take extra time to be compassionate and gentle with yourself. Regardless of why the relationship has ended, these events tend to come with a lot of difficult and sometimes overwhelming feelings. It’s not easy to say goodbye to something that meant so much to you and so it’s important to be kind to yourself through this process.
Don’t force yourself to meet society’s timetables for what an “acceptable” mourning period looks like. We all take our time in processing these events and it’s normal for yours to look different from someone else’s. Trying to force ourselves to fit a grieving mold can make things harder and can leave things unresolved for us, emotionally.
Look for support from those you love who are in your life. Those people who are still there for you are going to be important anchors throughout this process. It’s especially important to try and avoid social withdrawal or isolation during grieving as that can sometimes make things worse for us.
Seek out support groups catered to your loss, such as for divorce, domestic violence, or the death of a partner. Many support groups exist and this is something a therapist can help you find. It can be helpful to hear that you’re not alone in this and that someone else has experienced a similar loss and is coming out on the other side of it.
The most important thing to remember is that you don’t have to grieve alone.