In last week’s post we discussed what to do if you don’t feel like you like your therapist. One thing we mentioned was that leaving for another therapist was an option. But how do you approach that topic with your current therapist? Breaking up with a therapist can be kind of daunting, especially because most people don’t have experience in this!
When is it appropriate to break up with my therapist?
This is going to be up to you. People will leave their therapist for another one for lots of different reasons. It can be just a general mismatch. Maybe you just don’t really click. Just like with any other relationship you may form, you’re not going to like everyone you come across. It doesn’t mean they’re bad people, it just means you don’t want to talk to them for lengthy periods of time. Chances are, you’re going to be talking to your therapist for 45-50 minutes a week. That’s a long time to spend with someone who isn’t really a match for you.
It’s also possible that maybe you’ve clicked with a therapist, but a job change on either side means that schedules no longer line up. If you’re not able to get your sessions as often as you need, or not at all, then it’s clear that a change to a new therapist is necessary.
Another reason could be that you’re moving. If you don’t like telehealth, or you’re moving to a state that your therapist isn’t licensed in, you’re going to need to change therapists. Or maybe your insurance has changed and you no longer have this therapist in-network. If you’re not able to afford to pay out of pocket or out-of-network prices, then you’re going to need to change your therapist. This is the easiest break to make because there’s a very concrete, obvious reason why the relationship needs to be terminated.
The hardest reason for many people could simply be that your therapist isn’t a very good therapist. While there is a lot of training involved in becoming a mental health counselor, that doesn’t mean that everyone who becomes one is good at the job. This is true in pretty much any field. Some therapists can be harmful, even, depending on how they approach their work. These therapists are the ones who are combative (not challenging, but combative and aggressive), interrupt their clients, invalidate their clients, don’t listen to their clients, or make assumptions about what their clients need and are completely off base but unwilling to change.
The bad therapist is the hardest to “break up” with because we live in a society that discourages confronting authority figures. While most therapists, depending on their modality, will always do their best to make sure the relationship is as equal as possible, there will always be a power dynamic involved. That makes it difficult to confront them about the ways they may be making therapy not just unpleasant, but potentially harmful. This becomes even more complicated if you have confronted them about the behaviors and they haven’t made any changes or taken accountability.
So how do I break up?
For the simpler scenarios, there’s such a clear reason why you need a new therapist, and thus it makes it easy in a sense. All that needs to be said is describing the new situation (job, insurance, moving, not clicking, etc.) and moving on to another clinician. If you feel you’ve done good work together, then it’ll be emotionally harder to know you have to start over somewhere else, but the problems are low.
For the bad therapist, there are a few ways to go about this. If you’re not good at confrontation or are genuinely worried about a reaction and your therapist works at a practice with an admin team, then you can call the office. You can say that you’re cancelling your next appointment and you won’t be coming back to the office to work with that therapist anymore. If you feel comfortable saying why, go ahead! It could be that someone will address it with the therapist and maybe some things can change for the better.
If there isn’t a team or your therapist is solo, you can cancel your next appointment and just not reschedule. You don’t have to say why, even if they ask. It can be easier to do this over the phone instead of in person.
Just remember that whatever your reason for leaving, most therapists don’t take it personally. If it’s a bad therapist, then that’s a different story! But most therapists understand that things change or not everyone is a great fit for everyone. Chances are the last session will be a smooth termination and you don’t have to worry about it.
