A genuine, and valid, fear many people have when it comes to starting therapy is that they’re afraid they may not like their therapist. It can be hard to share vulnerable things about yourself with someone you don’t trust and don’t really click with or even like. This can also be hard if you’ve been working with a therapist for a little while and you’re realizing that the two of you just aren’t working out. So what do you do?
The Difference Between Being Challenged and Disliking
Therapy is hard. That’s something about it that can’t be denied or avoided. If work is going to be done, then some uncomfortable things are going to come up. We’re not always going to be told what we want to hear, like may be more common for when we talk to friends. Therapists are there to validate our feelings, of course, but they’re also meant to challenge us and help us tease out the role we can play in our current problems and concerns.
It’s not easy to have to sit there and cope with that. It’s hard to have someone tell you that maybe there’s another side to something you’ve experienced. Or that maybe it may be time to let go of certain feelings or coping styles.
These are examples of being challenged. Most people don’t like to be challenged in these ways and it makes sense. We’re not wired to want to accept those types of conversations. The feelings that come up during these conversations are difficult and unpleasant but they’re not the same thing as not liking your therapist.
Not liking your therapist is a different kind of dread that comes up when you’re thinking about going to an appointment. It’s a feeling you get when they’re talking to you. Either you feel they’re not listening or maybe they just don’t understand what you’re trying to say. It feels like they’re being combative, not challenging. Or they make you feel invalidated. These are different from being uncomfortable. These types of feelings hurt the therapeutic relationship.
I Don’t Like My Therapist
Once you’ve determined if it’s a dread of being challenged or just a mis-match, you can then decide what to do. If you’re having a hard time with the challenging aspects of therapy, you can address that with your therapist and see if there is a way to make the pace more comfortable for you. Understand, though, that therapy will never be 100% comfortable. However, if it seems to be that you two just don’t work well together, that can really only be addressed in a couple of different ways.
One option is to speak to your therapist about your concerns. Maybe they don’t listen to you very well or you feel they misunderstand you a lot. Maybe they keep trying to push you when you know you’re not ready and you need more coping skills first. Addressing these things with your therapist could be a potential fix. It can be hard to confront someone about things, especially when it’s your therapist! But it’s an important aspect of getting the most out of your sessions.
Another option, and may be the only option depending on the interactions with your therapist, would be to find a new therapist. If your current therapist works in a large practice, you can always ask to be transferred to another clinician. If your therapist is solo, you may have to do a little more work to find one. Using your insurance company’s list of in-network providers can be helpful, especially to make sure that your care will be covered if you rely on insurance to pay for sessions.
Changing therapists is stressful, though!
It is! Absolutely it is hard to change to a new therapist. You have to open up to someone new all over again. The benefit of changing to someone within the same practice is that the new clinician can be given access to your old therapist’s notes. This can help speed up the process of getting your new therapist onto the same page you were with your most recent one.
Changing to someone new is always going to be hard, though. It’s a relationship you’re building. However, the right therapist makes all the difference and you’ll get the most out of your appointments if you find one that you like and work well with.
