It’s a phrase many of us hear in therapy, on social media, or from well-meaning people in our lives but it’s rarely explained in a way that actually feels usable. For some, it sounds like being told to just tolerate discomfort without tools; for others, it feels vague, overwhelming, or even unrealistic in the middle of a busy, emotionally demanding life. So what does “sitting with emotion” really mean in practice and just as importantly, what does it not mean? Understanding this distinction can be the difference between suppressing emotions that later leak out sideways and learning how to relate to them in a way that is regulated, compassionate, and aligned with your values.
What it does not mean…
“Sitting with emotion” does not mean disconnecting or sweeping how we are feeling under the rug and going through the day still feeling internally bothered and activated. Later, we might become snippy or short with others, especially with the people we feel most comfortable with. Then, we may feel badly, or at some level annoyed with ourselves, potentially adding fuel to the fire. What “sitting with emotion” really means is the opposite of whatever we do that does not work for us, does not align with our values and goals, and truly suppresses the emotion.
So, what does it mean?
An emotion is a chemical reaction to an experience or situation (this could be internal or external). This means the emotional experience is important and deserves to be identified and seen. Emotions are like our very good friends: they serve a purpose, showing us what makes us feel happy, sad, confused, and so on. In this way, our brain stores the experience, reminding us that we are alive and experiencing life even if the experience is not always enjoyable. While emotions are like our good friends, sometimes friends cross boundaries, even with good intent. It is our responsibility to set boundaries with our emotions through regulation, coping, and awareness.
In real time…
Now, when a situation arises and we start to feel irritated for example, one suggestion is to try is observing this irritation. Where do you feel it in your body? What are some of the thoughts fueling this emotion? Internally we can acknowledge that the emotion feels hard and maybe we recognize that feeling. At this point, you have identified it, brought awareness to your body, and still have not acted in a way that goes against your values (i.e., lashing out).
As you take a moment and notice this experience in the body, pay attention to where the sensations are: tension in the jaw, face, legs, stomach, neck, racing heart, nausea, shakiness, etc.and allow these sensations to inform your regulation skill. For example, if we are angry or anxious, we could try: progressive muscle relaxation, shaking the body, stretching, dancing, or any movement; drinking cold water; running hands under cold water; holding ice cubes; fast jumping jacks; tensing fists 10 times and releasing; repeating out loud, “This is an emotion that I am having… it will pass. Right now, I’ll let it ebb and flow.”
If we are stuck in thought rumination, we can try: externalizing it (writing it down, saying it aloud to ourselves), picturing a stop sign, or helpful distractions such as music, humming, etc.
There are many more skills, however this gives a glimpse into the healthy “boundaries” we set with our emotional experiences. Remember, they are experiences, they do not have to consume us or direct our behaviors. Such as our thoughts, they are just thoughts; not every thought requires an action or reaction. Give yourself permission to just observe. (And yes, this takes practice, but you can do it!)
These skills are best used and practiced in collaboration with your individual therapist.
Why does “sitting with our emotions” help?
Finding ways to regulate and identify our emotions expands awareness, insight, and resilience. It resets and reorients the nervous system. Every time you take a moment to regulate when an unpleasant emotion arises, your brain stores that information. It remembers. It learns. And it strengthens your inner resilience, building new neural pathways along the way.
Yes, it takes time and effort, like learning a new language or mastering a sport, but with practice, we can do the hard things. Give yourself patience. You’re a human with experiences.
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