Weaponized incompetence can be something that may be affecting you at home or at work and you may not realize it. This type of behavior can be difficult to pinpoint but it can be frustrating to deal with it either way. It can also be something that can build resentment and affect your relationships negatively.
What is Weaponized Incompetence?
The short version is that this behavior is when someone purposely fails at performing a task in order to not have to do it in the future. They don’t want the responsibility of performing the task and want to shift it to someone else who is “better” at it. For example, it can look like someone not wanting to do dishes and purposely not washing them properly. There will still be food on the dishes or they won’t be rinsed properly and covered in soap.
When confronted, the person will say something along the lines of how they just aren’t good at the task. They’ll suggest that you’re much more skilled at the task and then suddenly you’ll find yourself always doing it. Maybe it’s because you feel badly about stressing them with a task they feel they are “bad” at. Or maybe it’s because you don’t want to correct them all the time. Either way, you end up doing more things than you should be.
What’s the Difference Between Not Knowing and WI?
Someone who genuinely does not know how to do something will be more likely to be receptive to input and correction. They’re less likely to get defensive or insecure about not doing something “right”. There will be less of an inclination for them to shift the task to you or someone else. They will want to know how to do it right. If someone is refusing to learn how to do something, it’s more likely they’re using weaponized incompetence instead of just genuinely not knowing how to do something.
How Can This Affect Relationships?
Most often, we see this dynamic at home. And most often, we see it with male partners using it against their female partners. It is worth noting that this is not always the dynamic. Someone of any gender can behave this way in order to get their way.
It tends to cause a lot of tension and resentment in relationships. The partner who is compromising to do all of the tasks the other partner “does not know” how to do tends to feel overworked. They feel as if things are not fair. This sense of inequality can eventually boil over until arguments happen.
This can also happen in friendships, with roommates, at work, or anywhere else in which someone needs to do tasks.
What Can I Do?
Talking about the situation calmly and at a neutral time can help a lot. It can be tempting to bring it up for the first time during the tension of dealing with the task shift. Or maybe when you’re feeling frustrated over the unfairness. But this can just make things more difficult and fuel the fire of an argument. If the person you’re confronting about this is still resistant or is argumentative, this can make things extra difficult.
If you find you’re really struggling with getting things across to this person, it may be worth reaching out to a therapist for help! They can help provide you with resources and techniques you can use while talking to this person.
What is Weaponized Incompetence?
